Kento's Really Big Adventure
by MercuryinRetrograde
Summary: Wherein Whiteblaze goes "wuff", Kento goes "mmmph", and Mia asks "what was that?" Yaoi warning. Leather warning.


Ronin Warriors. 

Humor, parody, can opener angst. Yaoi. 

###

"Yum!" Kento pulled a 28-oz can of maple syrup baked beans with pork chunks out of the grocery bag and lovingly stacked it, the last of a eight can pyramid.

He stepped back, admiring his soon-to-be lunch, his eyes liquid, pupils dilated. He could taste the warm, smoky syrup, the thick beans and tangy pork. Joy. 

His eyes lingering on the stack, he opened a drawer and started ferreting around for a can-opener. 

Spoons. Turkey baster. Knives. Forks. Spatula. Cock ring. Ew! He picked it out between forefinger and thumb and tossed it towards the x-rated sound effects emanating from the living room. He looked back at the drawer. More knives. Turkey thermometer. No can opener. 

Damn!

Kento wrenched the drawer open further. Nothing. He shoved it shut and opened another. Casserole pan. A book called "Lutefisk and Leftsa for Dummies" and another turkey baster. 

Damn! Damn!

Getting desperate, Kento started pulling open drawers and cupboards he **knew** Cye wouldn't have stored the can opener in: Sage's collection of organic vitamins—who'd pay 50 bucks for powdered kelp?; box after box of Rowan's double chocolate brownie doughnut surprise-E-Os breakfast cereal-- Even Kento felt slightly ill at the sight; Cye's cookie pans, scone pans, muffin pans, creatively shaped ice cube trays, frying pans, and row upon row of glass cookware. 

Damn!

Kento slammed a cupboard shut. That's it! He needed reinforcements.

Braving the gooey sounds and rank smell settling like a fog bank in the living room, he sought out the others. 

He found Ryo first. And parts of Sage. The parts that weren't under Ryo. He hesitated. They seemed otherwise occupied. Shagging as it were. But--he cast a loving look back towards the kitchen,--his lunch awaited. He interrupted anyway, "Hey!" 

Only soft moans and cries like the first opening blossoms of spring answered him. That and some really sick slurping sounds. Kento eyed the crusty residue on the couch with distaste. Ever since the others had fallen in luv, none of them had bothered to clean, leaving it all up to him. Hell, they hadn't even bothered to work. Kento now paid all the bills, bought all the groceries and kept the damn place running. Dammit. They owed him.

"Hey, guys!" He poked Ryo. Nothing. He poked harder and added a kick to the shin. 

Finally his presence registered. Ryo tore himself from his sticky luv nest to look up. 

"What do _you_ want?" Wildfire snapped.

"I need your help." 

Sage glanced up from under Ryo's chest. His blond hair hung in lank strands over his eyes. Kento'd forgotten the hairspray on his last trip to town. "I knew it would come to this." He sat up, unsettling Ryo, and eyed Hardrock distastefully. "I'm sorry _Kento_. But there is simply _no_ way I can help you with what you want." 

"You don't even know what I want." Kento backed up a step, feeling insulted and not sure why.

Sage raised an eye brow; Ryo chortled and fingered his collar. "Of course I know what you want. It's so _obvious_."

Well, hey, he **did** eat a lot. Maybe his needs were that transparent. Kento calmed down. "No need to get bitchy. It's not like I'm askin' much."

Sage jerked on Ryo's leash. Ryo palmed him a cigarette and lit it. Halo took a long drag, looking down his nose at Kento. "Not asking much?" He scoffed, mimicking Kento's tone. 

"Look, whatever!" Hardrock threw up his hands. No use arguing with Sage when he was in one of his moods. "I'll go ask Cye and Rowan." 

"You have no concept of league do you?" Sage snorted. 

Kento hesitated, rolling Sage's words over in his mind. "League? What the hell does that—"

"Go away, Kento. You are simply too… _you_ to be helped." 

Turning from them, Hardrock rolled his eyes. "Whatever." He mumbled under his breath. His stomach rumbled as he mounted the stairs. At the top he checked the hallway bureau's junk drawer. Still no can opener. Sighing, he trudged to Rowan's room. The door was ajar. He peeked in. Rowan lay half naked on the bed while Cye fingered a rubber—ah, accoutrement, so large it made Kento's eyes bulge. Yikes. He was about to flee when the door creaked. 

"Oh, Kento." Said Cye, looking over. 

Rowan smirked. "What do you want, chubbs?"

Kento's shoulders slumped. "I was looking for…" He trailed off, feeling caught in the act. Of what? He didn't know. 

"I knew it would come to this." Cye sighed and, thankfully, put his rubber friend somewhere out of Kento's line of site. He took a deep breath and looked resolutely at Rowan. "It's for the team." 

"Yeah, well." Rowan rubbed his eyes. "I guess you're right. Doesn't mean I have to enjoy it." He stuck out his tongue and grimaced. "Bleah."

Kento looked from Cye to Rowan then from Rowan to Cye. They were gazing at him intently. Waiting. For what? "I just wanted too—"

"We know, we know." Cye interjected, his smile was… patronizing. 

Kento frowned. "Look. This is just too weird. First Sage and Ryo won't help and now you two are acting like this?"

Rowan laughed. "You asked _Sage_. Jesus. You're lucky to be alive." 

Kento blinked. 

Cye walked over and caught Kento's arm. He pulled him towards the bed. Baffled, Kento did not resist. "It's okay, Kento. I know what you want. We all do. It's starting to affect our armor bond." 

"Umm… I'm hungry, but I'm not that hungry, dude." 

Cye glanced over at Rowan. Strata's eyebrows were arched. "I know you try to put on a brave face, Kento. But we all know how much you need… _help_." 

Cye drew him into a seated position on the bed. "If you could just tell me where—" Kento protested, trying to get up again. Cye gently pushed him back down.

"Oh we will, Kento. We will." Cye admonished, placing a finger on Hardrock's lips.

###

"Well, what do you think?" Cye asked Rowan. 

"I want to know where you got it in his size." Rowan eyed Hardrock speculatively. "He doesn't look half bad." 

"I figured, since we have to do this… _for the team_," Cye sighed, and squared his slender shoulders "then we might as well make it as palatable as possible. Don't you think?" 

"Oh yes." Rowan waggled his eye brows at Kento. 

"Mmmph!" Kento replied, trying to work his tongue around the gag. 

###

"That was fun." Rowan sucked on his cig, grinning. 

"Oh yes." Cye giggled. "Who knew Kento was so—talented!" Cye patted Kento's chest. 

Kento sat between them. Cye had given him a cigarette too. It now hung limp from his lips. He didn't smoke. He hated smoking. He wanted to spit it out but couldn't get his lips to work around the ball in his mouth. His wrists were starting to ache from the strain of being bound. He couldn't see, his face hidden behind a mask. The black leather was beyond hot and sweaty, entering an almost transcendental state of itchy-sticky-smelly. And when he closed his eyes the horrible things Cye and Rowan had done to him flashed through his mind. All he had left was the hope of one day being reunited with his beloved beans and pork. 

"Rowan, Cye! Get ready! It's almost seven. Time to go clubbing." Sage called from the hall. 

A flurry of activity erupted in the room, "clubbing!" Cye cried. The bed rocked. 

Rowan chortled beside Kento and, thank god, finally unzipped his eyes. Kento blinked, watching a torrent of clothes being thrown from the closet—"no, too fuzzy, no too femme, no, no, no. Oh god, _what_ was I thinking when I bought this?" 

"Mmmph!" Cried Kento, his anguish ripping through his throat. 

"Rowan! Get up! Sage won't wait long." 

Finally when the two Ronin were suitably attired—Rowan in a mesh vee-neck and clingy velveteen bell bottoms, which did nothing to hid his taunt belly and slim hips, and Cye in a short sleeved, hooded baby blue sweater and jeans, which did nothing to hide his cute freshness—they started to leave.

"MMMMPH!" Kento screamed, enraged by the thought of them leaving him. Like. This. 

"Oh dear!" Sighed Cye and flounced over. With a rip of Velcro and a wet plop, the gag, cig, and a good quantity of slobber fell into Kento's lap. "There, now you can breathe better." Cye patted his head. 

Kento started to shake. 

Cye waved a good-bye and joined Rowan at the door. "We're coming, Sage!" 

The front door slammed. Tires squealed on the asphalt drive. And then they were gone.

Hardrock thought, maybe, just maybe, the rage would make him black out. But no, he kept consciousness even as his face turned red, the veins on his neck popped, his eyebrow twitched and tears leaked from his eyes. His chest rumbled, shaking like an earthquake as the fury rose. He started to speak, and stopped over and over until, finally, the words came:

"WHERE THE HELL IS THE FUCKING CAN OPENER!" 

###

The scream echoed through the forest. Clouds of birds, agitated by the pure, horrifying anguish of the sound, lifted off into the sky, squawking. Small pebbles, understanding chaos theory, chose that moment to cascade down a cliff side, causing a small avalanche. Somewhere White Blaze looked up from a week old deer carcass and went "wuff." 

Mia Koji paused, one foot on her drive, one foot still in her jeep. She looked up, over the metal door to an open window on the second floor. Cold wind gusted against her calves. She shivered and swallowed. 

"What was that?" 


End file.
